You are at the end of your rope, and you suffer terribly from this absence.
“I miss my ex, yeah I miss my ex so much.” It's going on in your head.
Exactly, why do I miss my ex badly?
After living with this for months or even years, you must have - like me - come across articles telling you that if you miss your ex so much, then it would be better for you to think about getting your ex back.
After all, it's simple, right?
The truth is more complicated than that, and a lot of times, it's best to avoid any romantic reconquest.
But don't worry. I will tell you all about it in this article.
The breakup and the loss
Feeling lost after a breakup is NORMAL, you should not worry about it during the first weeks or even during the first 3 months after your breakup.
On the other hand, it becomes problematic beyond 3 months after your separation.
I have read many questions in the forums like “I miss my ex 1 year later, what to do?”
This kind of case approach has nothing to do with the normal loss that everyone can experience: it is a case of addiction.
If you still miss your ex so much even though the separation took place more than 3 months ago, it is because the lack you feel is more related to a dependency on what your ex brought to you in the relationship.
In my case, I missed my ex so much during the 6 months following the separation.
It started to subside - or so I thought - when I resigned myself to saying to myself the following sentence: "
"Well, I miss my ex so badly, but it's over, now I have to move on and not wait for her."
Because, during these 6 months, I kept going back and forth between her friends and her family to reassure me and tell me that she was going to come back in X months because she will have realized that she was coming anyway. to lose a very beautiful romantic relationship.
I kept my pain going because I couldn't move on, and I didn't understand why: I only focused on my ex and nothing else.
My days boiled down to this:
“I play sports then, once my session is over, I realize that I still miss my ex so much.”
"I hang out with my friends, but even as we're talking over drinks, I realize that I still miss my ex so much."
The problem is that I just resigned myself to forget her, but I still missed her so much, and I paid the price during the next 2 years to bury my emotions:
- I woke up in the middle of the night imagining her with someone else.
- I thought of her constantly during the day, imagining what she was doing at this hour.
- I avoid places where we used to go so as not to meet her.
- I turned into a ghost by removing all direct or indirect contact with my ex.
- I couldn't have new romantic relationships.
On the other hand, it took me 2 years until I accidentally discovered a photo of her which brought out very strong emotions in me to ask myself the question which will have triggered a whole process leading to forgetting my ex permanently.
"Well, I've been suffering from this breakup for 2 years now when my ex is already very surely in a relationship and happy... "
Why do I miss my ex so much?
Before answering why I miss my ex, which is the key to your recovery, we must first see 3 things together.
1 - Define what lack really is
The lack is the “insufficiency or absence of what would be necessary.”
Based on this principle, you need your ex for a reason that you do not yet suspect exists.
But before going into the details and understanding why you miss your ex despite the passing months, it is necessary to understand the mechanisms of the lack in your brain so that you can realize if you are feeding this lack or No.
During my research, I came across an American anthropologist specializing in love affairs: Helen Fisher.
Helen Fisher has succeeded in bringing to light the mechanisms that lie behind our suffering after a breakup.
Here is the mechanism in question:
Don't think of your brain as something natural anymore, but as a machine made of cogs and powered by the love you have for your ex, represented here by a flame.
During a breakup, the flame is always present and directs your actions, your thoughts, and the very functioning of your brain.
This flame constantly feeds your reward system: being with your ex and interacting with this person is always synonymous with rewards for your brain.
The reward system is no longer being properly fueled by your ex, this causes emotional pain followed by physical pain: it's a signal from your brain to tell you to act and do something to properly fuel your reward system.
This is when you want to win back your ex.
Your ex becomes your number one priority: it's addiction, and this addiction is close to cocaine addiction.
However, your brain also works for you, and during this time, it makes sure to reduce this suffering thanks to the prefrontal cortex and the orbitofrontal cortex.
That's when, if you don't sabotage the work of your brain, you'll say to yourself:
“Anyway, we weren't made to be together because…”
And it's at this precise moment that the majority of people suffering from a breakup indefinitely can't get out of it.
They will involuntarily sabotage the work of the prefrontal and orbitofrontal cortices to stay in the dependency loop: the love flame that these people feel for their ex never loses intensity and has the same power as during the relationship, as if this relationship never ultimately never stopped.
2 - Use the scientific method
The problem is that if you sabotage this work, it's for a very specific reason: you don't do it by chance or out of pure egocentrism despite what one might think.
When you miss your ex despite the passage of time, don't forget that it's linked to your brain, but also linked to your past experiences and your ignorance of the real problem (I'm coming to this, don't worry.)
If you can't forget your ex despite the passage of time, it means that your ex was fulfilling a lot of things for you.
It is now known that love is a form of addiction, so it's not crazy to compare your ex with a cigarette: you'll see, the example is striking.
When you smoke, your brain does not see the cigarette, but what the cigarette brings you: it fills a need that your brain seeks to obtain thanks to this cigarette.
When you miss your ex despite the breakup, your brain does not see your ex, but what your ex brings to you: your ex fills a need that your brain manages to obtain thanks to him/her.
And as with a cigarette, we start to get by not with patches, but from the moment we try to understand why we smoke.
And what better than science to achieve this?
3 - Understand that you are a boat
Yes, I assure you.
You like me, we are huge boats.
How long has it been since the breakup took place?
How long have you been together?
You see where I'm coming from: we all need some time to digest what just happened.
But what does this boat have to do with it?
Imagine you are on the Titanic.
You see an iceberg, straight in front of you: so you start to turn sharply to the left or the right.
However, you are not going to turn right away: you are too big to react immediately.
In your head, it's the same.
You may do everything possible to forget your ex, but you will not see right away the beneficial effects of your actions: you need time, and you have many years behind you which are as heavy as a boat to be maneuvered in the right direction.
All this to tell you that it's normal, you need time to digest this relationship: it's normal that you still miss your ex, but it's not normal to just let time do things.
You have to do something to avoid falling into this iceberg.
"I Miss My Ex": 15 Tips to Get Back Together
“I miss my ex so much! What should I do ?"
If you want to get back your ex that you miss so much, or even get over this annoying feeling, these 15 ways will help you.
1. Take stock of your breakup
First of all, you need to understand the reasons for your breakup. Take out papers and pencils and write down everything that brought you to this situation.
It may be difficult, and it will not be comfortable. On the other hand, it is really necessary.
For what?
To not make the same mistakes again.
If you want to get back your ex, you'll have to take stock of everything they loved about you that is no longer. It will also allow you to understand what happened and how you got there.
- Why were you arguing?
- What was the subject of tension?
- What do you blame your ex for?
- What complaints did they make?
It's crucial to fully understand the reasons that led your ex to separate from you.
If you're the one who left, it's just as important to take stock of what led you to make such a far-reaching decision.
It is for the future, with your ex, or any other person besides, to move forward calmly. Because yes, if you got angry without a valid reason (from their point of view), it could greatly annoy them and lead them to want to separate.
Communicating calmly about what makes you angry, it's kinder for everyone and more comfortable for our partner to understand and change the situation.
Even if your grief is still present, this step allows you to fully understand why you have come to this.
And understanding is the first step to acceptance.
2. Accept the situation
Easy to say, hard to do!
Accepting the situation means not begging them, crying at their feet, imploring all the Saints so that they take pity on you.
Begging them is indeed a fundamental mistake not to be done.
Too late?
It is done, you have implored it! The lack after a breakup is so intense that it leads to losing control and trying everything for everything.
First of all, it's not a drama if you begged them, on the other hand, from now on, follow this advice to the letter: accept the situation.
The first step towards healing the heartache, but especially towards winning back your ex.
You know the saying "Follow me, and I'll run away from you. Run away from me, and I follow you."?
- Confused
- Disoriented
- Lost
- Disconcerted
In short, this is the effect it will have on your ex. When he realizes you're about to move on.
You reverse the situation, it is precisely when they thought to hold the reins and control the situation that you show that you accept what is happening.
Your ex, who thought you were going to be defeated, will see in you a strong person, who is motivated to move on and take charge of his life.
In short, an attractive person who gives more desire than pity!
3. Take care of yourself
Whether it's to get your ex back or not, self-care is crucial.
I miss my ex, what should I do?
We answer loud and clear: take care of yourself!
Why is it difficult?
Simply because during a breakup, we experience rejection. The rejection of the other and it's a bit as if a part of us gave them the reason.
You are the most important person in your life.
You need to eliminate negative emotions and thoughts. Indeed, it is essential to be:
- In a healthy mind
- In a positive posture
- In good energy
- In an athlete's form
Because to get your ex back, your energy gauge will have to be full.
And because the positive attracts the positive. It is certainly not by letting you go that your ex will come back like a magnet, quite the contrary.
How?
- A healthy diet is essential and will undoubtedly put you in a good mood.
- A physical activity, walking, running, cycling, or swimming. Empty negative thoughts from your head and increase dopamine, a source of pleasure.
- Physically, take care of yourself. Hairdresser, manicure, facial treatment. Feel good on the outside to feel good on the inside.
- Listen to positive affirmations before starting your day and at the end of it. It is an ultra-effective way that restores your self-confidence and helps you move forward.
4. Love yourself
How do you expect your ex to love you if you don't love yourself?
How could your ex want to come back if you, the most important person in your life, are neglecting yourself?
You will be attractive, you will be magnetic, you will be captivating, and you will become irresistible by loving yourself.
Loving yourself means that you see your qualities beyond your flaws.
And that's what you will put forward to get back your ex, the qualities that they loved in you.
How to love yourself?
- Do meditations on self-love. First, these meditations will help you give yourself love, which you currently lack. After that, you should know that many experiments on plants show that those who obtained love are much more beautiful and grow faster. Imagine the result on you!
- Dismiss negative messages. You must have heard a lot of negative things about yourself with this separation. This is not to hide your face but to know that it is not you who is concerned but your behavior. You're not a yelling person, you've been misbehaving, and it is time to change that.
Your ex left you because they were no longer happy with you. Understand that to make someone happy, you have to be happy yourself. To give love, you have to have it.
5. Regain your self-confidence
Your self-confidence has probably been damaged, you have probably even lost it.
It is, however, a crucial, essential element to win back your ex.
We are naturally attracted to people who are confident and who have leadership.
If you want this to be the case for you, you must adopt these methods and follow them to regain your confidence.
- Adopt a positive attitude. Do you know that smiling is what makes you happy, not the other way around?
- List your strengths. Great way to regain your self-confidence. Write each of them, every situation you are proud of yourself.
- Positive posts. Send a request to those around you and ask them to give you 5 positive points about yourself.
- Work on your weak points. It is essential to move forward. Take stock of what you lack to improve your self-confidence. For example, if you often get angry, look for ways to calm your anger.
- Believe in yourself. It's easy to say and difficult to do. A very effective tip: If you don't believe in pretending! This will put you in a winning situation, the message that everything went well is sent to your brain, and the more you pretend, the more natural it will be.
- Celebrate victories. You have taken up a challenge, you have received a compliment, systematically celebrate this victory. Jump, dance, sing, and find your ritual, it's very important.
The good news is that the effects are felt immediately. Don't waste a day moping around. Take action right away.
6. Radio silence
Did you follow the previous advice in the letter?
Perfect, you now represent everything they wanted. Your evolution will be known. Your entourage, your friends, and your colleagues see you taking your life in hand and not letting you down. They will know!
During all stages, it is necessary not to make contact. By any means.
The idea is to create a lack. They will not understand this turn of events.
To make it easier to hold on during radio silence, we advise you to set a time goal. With a deadline or a final event, it's easier, you don't navigate by sight.
A goal in several weeks or simply up to point 15.
Most of you are afraid of radio silence, the fear of being permanently forgotten takes over.
But know that the opposite is going to happen. The more distance you go, the more you will impose yourself in the mind of your ex.
Take your example, the majority of you write to us “It's radio silence, I miss my ex”. Proof that it works.
Even if this step is difficult, know that it is crucial and that it is imperative not to neglect it.
During this step, follow all the other techniques to the letter, time will pass faster and more pleasantly above all.
7. Your photos on social media
Change your profile picture, and create new photos. The idea is that this “new you”, fit, sparkling, dynamic, radiant, can be seen!
Do you tell yourself, if they see you in good shape, they will think that you are better off without them? That's exactly the goal.
No one wants someone barking, and all the effort you put in has to be known.
I miss my ex, what should I do?
Follow our tips and show yourself in your new light.
The profile picture must show that you smile at life!
You do an activity, you meet new people, you have a great day, and show it, but be careful, no need to post 4 times a day.
It will be overplayed.
You have to stay natural.
Did you only post content once or twice a week before? Continue at this pace. It is the content that must change, not the frequency.
- You may have deleted it from your networks, it's also a tip.
- He may have blocked you on social media, and you went too far in complaining and crying at the beginning of the breakup.
- No big deal, they will know anyway. You have common friends, a common circle, your sister, your brother, your cousin, or the cousin's neighbor with whom they are still in contact will be delighted to report your happiness.
- They might just unblock you on social media to see for themselves.
8. Delete your ex from social media as well as all the photos of you.
All photos where you appear with them. Afraid of hurting their hearts, that they think you've moved on? That's the point!
Photos from vacations, from the last romantic weekend, from the last birthday party, delete everything, absolutely everything!
For what?
- You will send a strong sign that you are moving on
- You prove that you take control of your life.
- You show them that your story is not trivial.
- You show that you don't share anything together right now.
If you want to get back your ex that you miss so much. You must remove any relationship or any link.
Besides, you must remove it imperatively from your relationships, otherwise, it is clear that you are sending the message that you are trivializing your relationship, which would have the opposite effect of what you are looking for.
So yes, I miss my ex so much, but you must delete all traces on the networks of your relationship.
What reaction?
- It's clear your ex isn't expecting this at all
- You arouse their curiosity
- They will seek to understand what is going on
The positive feedback is also for you. Keeping your ex on the networks always brings back to your face what you lost! It bothers you and hurts you.
As part of taking care of yourself, deleting your ex from social media will do you a lot of good anyway!
9. Do new activities
Have you always wanted to do yoga, krav maga, furniture upholstery, or hiking coaching?
Get involved in lots of new activities. Go ahead, discover new things, and treat yourself.
These activities will allow you to think about something else, change your mind, put you in a good mood, and have good energy.
Do not forget to put your activities on social media and show that you are having a nice and pleasant time.
Investing in an activity you have never taken the time to do, is highly beneficial to your well-being.
So theater, dance, meditation, do activities that you like and that make you want to go back.
Have you always wanted to be a volunteer? Get started!
This will soothe the negative feelings you are experiencing: sadness, anger, guilt, jealousy, etc… will calm down and give way to a more favorable ground for well-being.
As we've said before, your ex will want to see you again more if you're dynamic and love yourself.
This will allow you to rebuild yourself and take care of yourself.
Sport, for example, is a miraculous remedy against depression, it revives our energy, strengthens our body, it boosts us with the hormones of happiness.
All of this takes you into boundless positivity and brings us back to point 5, you will dramatically improve your self-confidence and attract your ex like a magnet.
10. New encounters – new social circle
These new activities will make you meet new people, and it is excellent for morale.
Get out of your comfort zone and expand your social circle!
Take advantage of your new activities to get to know each other. It's easier with common topics. Start by giving or asking for advice in this new activity and follow up by being interested in your interlocutors.
Why would meeting new people bring your ex back?
- By displaying your new relationships, they will realize that you are slipping away from them. Where they thought they were masters of the situation, now you are confusing them!
- By showing yourself with your new friends, you will make them want to know more about the details of your life. You will create a kind of frustration. They no longer have the cards in hand!
Either way, it's a great way to take care of yourself.
Unlike your current entourage, which is also very important, these new people do not know your ex. The advantage is that you can consider conversations without necessarily answering questions about your separation, and you don't have to justify your desire to get back your ex.
11. Speak well of them
They broke your heart. I know this feeling very well.
"I miss my ex so much," Mark tells us.
“How to deal with the lack of your ex”. Caroline asks us.
Or even John who tells us “I miss my ex-wife”.
It's natural to want to talk about this bad thing that bothers you, and talking badly about your ex can make you think that it will do you good!
Bad idea!
First, he'll know what you're saying, that's for sure. And naturally, we are not attracted to someone who spits their venom.
Tell those around you that you understand their decision, and that anyway will be reported to them. They will understand that you are looking to improve yourself and you learn from this breakup.
It is certain, you can be angry, in shock, pained, angry, or anxious. So many feelings that you want to remove are unpleasant.
Avoid them: “They hurt me” “I will never forgive them” “I hate them” or “I never want to see them again”.
Be fair and honest. You think he's a good person, otherwise, you wouldn't want to get them back.
Having positive thoughts about your ex will comfort them, amaze them, and make them want to see the positive in you in return. They will, no doubt, begin to see your good side.
12. Sorting out and changing the decor
Many psychologists and coaches affirm it, it is undeniable,
- Tidying up your interior is conducive to happiness.
- Sorting is conducive to happiness.
- Changing decoration is conducive to happiness.
When we clean the house, we clean in our heads. Bringing order would boost our morale.
We have all already experienced it, after a good cleaning, and good storage, it's a new breath, we breathe. Having a clear visual field is conducive to a good vision of our life.
It's easy to draw parallels with anything that reminds you of your ex.
Clearing your mind, and getting rid of what reminds you of your ex helps you declutter your mind.
When everything is put back together, put away, and ordered, you are ready for a new impetus.
It's perfect for your new plan of action to get your ex back.
In order :
- Take stock of what you keep
- Throw away what needs to be thrown away
- Put aside what belongs to them (you'll give it back to them later)
Now that everything is clear, you have a beautiful vision of your interior and your future, and you can start on the right foot.
Nothing obstructs your field of vision and therefore your daily mind.
Everything goes:
- A forgotten scarf with its smell
- Framed pictures
- Toiletries
- A toothbrush
- Underwear in the laundry basket
- A sweater in the dressing room
- DIY tools, etc.
So many little things that we might consider unimportant but which in reality encumber us deeply.
A part of them haunts the place and prevents you from moving forward.
Come on, roll up your sleeves, and go!
13. Do what you wanted as a couple, but alone.
Did you have to go to Peru, have a weekend in Holland, do the GR 20 or go see your friends in Florida?
Do what was planned, don't change your plans, and have the trip you've been dreaming of or the weekend you've been craving.
With your sister, your brother, your cousin, one or more friends, or one of your new acquaintances, as a duo or in a group, go, move, live, discover, and explore the world!
You will cause an electric shock in your ex that you wholeheartedly want to win back!
They will find it very difficult not to react. Be prepared to receive a reaction from them.
If so, be simple in the answer. It is certainly too early to jump into action. Just say you dreamed about it, life goes on, and they would have loved it.
If so, do not answer immediately, take the time to think about the answer. Don't fall into the “I would have liked to do it with you”. Even though we know it is!
14. Be ready to meet them
A chance or the fact of providence, you will meet your ex, it is very likely.
You dated the same people, and you went to the same places, so the probability of seeing them again is very high.
Be prepared for this eventuality.
First, take care of your appearance. Nothing is worse than when we meet our ex in running clothes, not combed and downright scruffy. You will send back an image of total “letting go”, and your ex will feel that you are not taking care of yourself.
Then get ready, which means that you have to anticipate and plan a scenario.
By preparing, you ensure! You will show that you have confidence in yourself and that you know what to say. Prepare 2 or 3 questions, and 2 or 3 topics to start the discussion.
There are several scenarios:
- The involuntary meeting, is at the supermarket, at the bar, or the restaurant. They won't be ready, and the conversation will only be brief, so you have a few minutes to make a great impression. Have your best smile, be yourself, and don't overdo it. Ask how them is. How are their relatives? Try to bounce back sincerely by being interested in their answers. If they return the question to you, be honest, just say that you are moving on, that you are taking life on the bright side. Let them know that you've learned your lessons and are trying to be the best version of yourself.
- The scheduled meeting, with friends in common for example, for a birthday or any other event. You will have more time to discuss this. Above all, do not snub them, it is not a good idea to zap your ex. Briefly scan their behavior, and analyze by crossing their gaze if they want to discuss. Both of you may not be ready to talk together. Maybe your ex isn't ready. Don't judge this too hastily, and don't lose confidence, it's completely normal to be confused and simply not sure what to say, because on their side, they are simply not prepared.
15. The ultimate date
Provided you have followed the 14 steps, you are ready for the ultimate meeting.
SMS or phone call?
Here everything depends on how you feel about it, the nature of your relationships, and your state of mind.
Your ex could refuse for fear that you will make a string of reproaches to them, that you want to settle your accounts. Reassure them, this is not the case at all.
Arouse his curiosity, make them want to, and don't reveal too much. Find a good reason that they can't refuse.
Offer a coffee, it is reassuring, and the duration of a coffee is not long. After lunch or one morning before going to work. Everyone must return to their activities, your objective is not to monopolize them but that they find it too short in the end.
On the day of the date, it is obvious that your emotions will be at their height, and you will probably have a hard time controlling them.
The ultra-efficient tip?
Tell them you are overwhelmed to see them, they are in the same state, that's for sure!
Just ask for this news, listen carefully, and be interested.
And if they ask you how you are. Say that you are taking charge of your life, trying new activities, and meeting new people.
Do not mention the lack, the desire to do all this in their company.
Explain that you understood your mistakes, thanks to this breakup, and that you thank them for it.
At this point, it's clear they definitely won't want anyone else to take advantage of it!
Finally, these tips are good as well to get back your ex, or not!
Indeed, these tips are also made to recover from a breakup and regain a taste for life.
Whatever the case, it's crucial to take care of yourself, love yourself, and regain your confidence.
Whatever the outcome of your relationship, drawing lessons from the past to apply the right tips in the present, taking advantage of current moments, and calmly envisioning the future are habits to adopt.
We all want a partner who lifts us, makes us stronger, respects us, and loves us for who we are. It is above all not a question of changing you but of being for you the best version of yourself.
We want your relationship, if it deserves it, not to end there, without you being able to give it a chance. Your ex must deserve it, it is clear that we advise you to get back your ex if they respect you.
"Why do I miss my ex?" You have the feeling of having left a part of yourself in this relationship, and the term “rebuilding” is not insignificant.
You have to give yourself the love you need.
To be in the love of the other and not in emotional dependence.
Whether it's your ex you've been able to get back or a new relationship, you need to have your love gauge full to be able to give of it.
I miss my ex, but he doesn't miss me; should I consider getting them back?
“My ex doesn't miss me! Did they love me?”
Your ex loved you, and probably still loves you depending on the context, but they just don't want to show it.
Getting back love is something dangerous to put in place: always make sure you know what you are doing because you will never be guaranteed that it will work.
Very often, it is better to adopt this point of view: I miss them, but I must forget them.
I know it's so hard to hear, and you're probably thinking right now that your ex was the only person on earth who could love you so much and you'll never find anything the same, but I can tell you that these two things that hold you back from recovering from your breakup are just part of your hidden pain points.
I miss my ex when I left them, is that normal?
If you miss your ex when you left them, know that it is perfectly normal and that it is related to biology.
Yes really.
It has been scientifically proven that two people in a relationship end up merging sooner or later from a biological point of view.
That is, your ex has a direct influence on your heart rate, blood pressure, etc.
When the separation takes place, you lose a part of yourself: hence this feeling of lack even though you are at the origin of the rupture.
You will therefore need time to rebuild yourself biologically speaking and to adapt to the absence of your ex.
So don't worry.
Be careful, however, in the case where you left your ex while they are a narcissistic pervert: the lack will be much stronger and more difficult to, overcome, and do not hesitate to get help in this case.