Did you also feel that adrenaline rush when your ex contacted you?
If you still have the hope deep down inside you that this relationship will start up again one day, that's normal, but it's precisely because of this that you're going to overinterpret a lot of things and not take into account the unexpected reason behind this reconnection from your ex.
Let's see all this in detail to avoid making a mistake that is sure to make you suffer again.
Why is my ex contacting me again?
When an ex reconnects, we all have this ulterior motive that begins to take the lead and convince us of one thing: that it's fishy and that there's a reason behind it all, that your ex is the desire to come back with you.
Although this reason may be the case in most breakups, you will tend to consider only what interests you and reject all other hypotheses.
It's normal, and you shouldn't blame yourself for that: we all act out of emotion in this kind of situation, and we all go back to imagining magical reunions and resuming a relationship that could have, in our eyes, lasted much longer than that.
Yet your ex's intentions behind this action are not that healthy and are far from the reality you imagine, let's look together at the 6 main reasons that can cause your ex to contact you again.
1. Your ex feels jealousy
Your ex is probably watching you on social media (and yes, this sentence is creepily seen like that), and they may have noticed that you seem to be super happy without his presence, seeing you with someone other than them.
In this case, your ex would want to reach out to you again with the idea to “destroy” all this happiness a little to get revenge for this relationship that did not work well with them.
After all, why would you be happy and not them? It is this mentality that will make your ex want to contact you again, but his goal is not benevolent.
2. Your ex has trouble letting go of the past.
I'll talk about it more specifically a little further down in the paragraph related to psychology, but, to summarize, your ex may simply have a very hard time letting go of the past they lived with you.Beyond the difficulty in detaching themselves from it, your ex can even idealize this past to the point of totally neglecting everything bad that happened and that caused the breakup.
This difficulty in detaching from the past and overinterpreting positive events while neglecting negative events is nothing more than a problem related to the type of attachment of your ex, but do not worry, I come back again to the psychology part.
3. Your ex has a “physical” craving
If you find it weird for your ex to reach out to you again when you didn't match up intellectually, it could be because you matched up sexually.
Your ex then feels the urge to come back to you for a simple physical goal, because they miss this physical connection that you had or because they simply cannot find the same physical connection with someone else.
Or for anything else, which we will see in the psychological part there too.
In any case, you will realize it fairly quickly if you get into his game because this impulse is difficult to hide, your text messages will quickly turn into sexting, and your meetings will fast turn to “the essentials” and then nothing.
4. Your ex no longer knows where they are in their life
Your ex is surely distraught by the breakup, even if it is them who caused it.A breakup is a painful event in a person's life, much more than we would like to believe in our society which all too often underestimates this suffering to the point of mocking it.
However, it's a whole part of your identity that goes away with your ex, whether you like it or not, and this missing part can make you feel this feeling of emptiness and loss of bearing for a more or less period depending on you and your will to move on or not.
This is why it is necessary to work on your identity - on your personality - after a breakup: to avoid this loss of bearing which could make you want to get your ex back when in reality you don't want them at all.
5. Your ex feels lonely
Just like the loss of identity, loneliness can be a sufficient reason for your ex to contact you: you, too have undoubtedly experienced it insofar as loneliness is one of the main triggers of a desire to get back together.
The most important thing to understand for this specific point is that your ex certainly feels lonely, but they may just be looking for a friendship to build with you.
6. The Unexpected Reason
If your ex contacts you again, it is also and definitely because your ex just wants to hear from you without any desire to rebuild a romantic relationship.
You shared part of the journey together, you were complicit, very close, you felt strong emotions together, and so on.
I'm not saying this to put you down, I'm just saying this to show you that it's normal that your ex doesn't want to lose you as a person forever: your ex remains attached to you, even if it's out of pure friendship.
If my ex asks about me today (even though I know it won't happen anytime soon), I know it would only be out of sheer curiosity.
But in this case, how do you know if your ex is contacting you to try to get you back?
If your ex has this idea to try something with you again, you will know it very quickly by their behavior, and I'll talk about it in the FAQ at the bottom of the article.
My Ex Reach Out to Me, How Does Psychology Explain Their Action (And Your Reaction)
Whether your ex contacts you again after a breakup or after a long or short period of no contact, in most cases, it's for a reason that would make you think they want to come back to you and try to rebuild a long-term relationship.
However, all these reasons have only one origin: the psychology behind this action, and no, this psychology never bodes well for the long term.
1. The Psychology of Attachment
According to attachment theory, if your ex has a type of attachment categorized as “Avoiding”, it means that your ex contacted you again when he is probably in a relationship with someone else right now.
The fact that your ex contacts you again has nothing to do with the desire to come back with you in the long term: it is an unconscious strategy linked to their type of attachment that makes them firmly believe that the relationship they had with you was MUCH better than the relationship they are currently having.
The sole purpose of this strategy is to distance them from their current relationship because your ex is simply not made to commit body and soul with someone because of their type of attachment: All means are appropriate to convince themself that he would be wrong to continue his current relationship.
And all the means will still be good to convince themself that, finally, it was not good with you either once they get you back.
2. The psychology of loneliness
Another point would be related to the loneliness that your ex feels and which has, again, nothing to do with a desire to engage seriously with you in the long term.
This loneliness, which your ex feels, is linked to what I call the love ecosystem.
This ecosystem is the simple fact of replacing all relationships, whether friendly or family, with your partner.
That is to say, once this ecosystem is in place, your partner is both your confidant/your lover/your best friend/etc.
This ecosystem that is installed in most romantic relationships is normal as the relationship ages but is not a healthy situation.
Your social circle ends up being reduced to a single person (your ex), hence this loneliness once the breakup ends.
3. The Psychology of Identity
There is an impact not only on identity but also biologically when you separate from the person you have loved for several years.
Identity, because everything that defines you as a person sooner or later ends up merging with your ex: that is, your tastes, your activities, your passions, your way of life, your behavior ... everything directly or indirectly related to your ex.
Only a few elements define you uniquely, but these elements are too few not to feel a loss of identity, which may ultimately mean that your ex contacts you again.
Biological, because your ex had a real impact on your body: your heart rate, your blood pressure, your breathing, … There are only a few elements that define you uniquely, but these elements are too few not to feel a loss of identity which may ultimately mean that your ex contacts you again.
4. The psychology of lust
Last point, think about this thing you dreamed of having for several months/years and that you ended up having.
A few weeks later, you didn't even think about it anymore, it was now acquired.
It's the same thing that can currently happen not only in the head of your ex but also in yours.
This lust for things that we do not yet have or that we no longer have has been scientifically proven, and this may be the reason behind the fact that your ex reaches out to you after no contact.
Your ex sees you as something they need to get back, but once they get it back, your ex will again realize that the relationship isn't right for them and then go back to focusing on something other than you.
Now that we have seen the main reasons and the psychology behind a resumption of contact by your ex, let's see how you should react to avoid suffering again.
What should I do when my ex contacts me again?
“My ex is reaching out to me! How to react ?"
If your ex contacts you today, the best thing you can do is not overinterpret the event and stick to the facts.
Do they contact you to get news?
So you have to tell yourself that it's JUST to hear from you and nothing else.
Now, I know that you may be tempted to take advantage of this to try to get your ex back or that you may simply be distraught by this reconnection.
That's why I suggest you follow these 4 points now.
1. Take a deep breath and take a step back
It's important, don't act out of emotion and give yourself 24 hours before doing anything: give yourself time to take a step back so as not to take an action that you risk regretting, such as rejecting their request too strongly or melting into their arms begging them to get you back.Take a deep breath, cut your social networks, and focus on a particular sound or a particular object in the place where you are, just to reconnect with the present.
Then go to step 2.
2. Remember these points in particular
Take a pen and paper with you, then ask yourself these questions.
What is my ex's reason for breaking up?
In my opinion, this reason is more related to a loss of confidence, connection, or attraction.
It is crucial at this stage to remember all these elements to avoid making a decision based solely on your emotions and not on the facts.
Doing so will not only allow you to have a calm mind and make the right, sensible decision, but it will also allow you to put the situation into perspective.
3. Be adamant about your decision
This point is particularly important if you were the one who broke up, but it is just as important if it is your ex who has decided to break up.
As in the previous point, take some time for yourself and ask yourself this question.
Was I suffering from this relationship or was I fully happy?
Whether you initiated the breakup or not, disregard your emotions related to fear of the unknown or anything else that would make you think going back to your ex would be a good thing, for lack of anything better.
4. Answer them- or not - depending on the situation
Whether or not to respond to your ex depends on your current emotional situation.
If you think just talking to them will turn your brain (and heart) on your head, avoid answering them at all costs, even if it means blocking your ex.
Do not think about the reaction that your ex will have if you do not want to answer them, think only of you and you alone.
If, on the contrary, you decide to respond to your ex, then do not project yourself into situations that only exist in your head: stick to the facts for your good and stick to your decision to never go back with your ex.
In this way, you can be sure of never flinching.
FAQ
My ex contacts me during radio silence
If your ex contacts you again during the radio silence, you should avoid answering them as much as possible and block this means of communication during your radio silence.
Don't forget that the purpose of radio silence is to get you back first and not just your ex, to prevent you from being influenced by them because of this loss of identity that you probably feel because of the breakup.
My ex contacts me again and then disappears
If your ex contacts you again and then nothing, it's very surely linked to the fact that your ex no longer knows where they are, but quickly realized that contacting you again was not going to help them with this particular problem.
In this case, it is better that you accept your ex's decision and that you leave them alone, without trying to ask them why they no longer contact you and disappear in this way.
The most important thing after a breakup will always be your person in priority because it is very common to put our emotions and feelings aside by thinking only of the other, without necessarily thinking of us.
My ex contacts me and then ignores me
If your ex reaches out to you again and then ignores you, your ex is playing a dangerous game and is simply trying to get you back using the technique of; run away from me, I'm following you/follow me, I'm running away from you.
With enough hindsight, you will be able to realize how toxic this technique is for you.
After all, who wants to live with someone who tries to manipulate you into getting you back?
If your ex ignores you after contacting you again, it's a very clear sign that your ex hasn't moved on AT ALL and that you need to ignore them again, and this time so as not to get into their game.
My ex is contacting me after 2 years
If your ex contacts you again after 2 years of silence, for example, or even more, it's a safe bet that it's only out of curiosity and that there is no ulterior motive linked to any romantic reconquest behind this action.
Your ex probably just wants to know what you've become over time, to start building a friendship with you if this contact is frictionless.
Two cases here are to be taken into account identically: the case where your ex would have a physical desire for you and the case where your ex has not completely healed from your breakup.
These are cases that are not common but deserve to be mentioned.
My ex contacts me again but remains distant
If your ex contacts you again but remains distant, it's probably because it was not the right time for them to reach out to you again, and they needed more time to heal.
In this case, it can then be linked to a mix of several things such as loneliness, the desire to win back, the desire to build a friendship, or not to lose you as a person.
In any case, on the other hand, it is better to accept their distance or even talk about it with them if the circumstances allow it to try to understand their behavior and to be sure that this does not hide a technique of follow me, I'm running away from you / run away from me, I'm following you.
So you have everything to gain here by talking about it with your ex if you are not in a period of radio silence and if you feel able from an emotional point of view to talk to them about it.
What to do now?
If your ex contacts you back: think of yourself, that's priority number one.
If I insist on this point, it is because I fell into the trap when it was the case with my ex, and she wanted a friendship when deep down I thought she wanted more than that (well, I convinced myself that she wanted more than that instead.)
I invite you now to do the exercises that I propose in this article, to take a deep breath and to take a step back before doing anything it is on the stroke of emotion.
If you are still suffering from your breakup and this resumption of contact has turned you upside down emotionally, it is because you have not yet completely healed from your breakup, just bury your emotions in the hope that they will fade away with time.